


And Our Lives Are Forever Changed

by playfullips (dessertmeltdown)



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-14
Updated: 2012-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-29 12:09:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/319746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dessertmeltdown/pseuds/playfullips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day after Jon is offered the chance to go out on tour with Panic Cassie tells him she's pregnant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Our Lives Are Forever Changed

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks Erica and Georgia, but especially Erica because I know this fic gave her heartburn or epic headaches or both. I rewrote it multiple times. Thanks to anyone who listened to me whine about this fic for months. This was written for the first bandom big bang, back in 2008. Only thing true about this fic: Panic! is a band. Matt Cortez was a tech for them for a little while.

Jon isn't sure what to expect when Brendon, Spencer and Ryan drag him out of bed at an ungodly hour of the morning and take him for coffee, but hey, free coffee is free coffee, so he doesn't question it.

They sit across from him, squished together on a sofa in the back corner of a Starbucks. Ryan-Spencer-Brendon. It's strange how he always feels like such an outsider around them but feels like he belongs all the same.

"So, we were thinking," Brendon says but stops, looking at Spencer. He's nervous about something. Jon remembers when they called him up and asked him to help out with a few shows. Brendon was the same then, saying a few words and then passing the phone to Spencer. Spencer is much better at this sort of thing. He wonders if they've found someone more permanent and now he's out too. Not that he was ever really in to begin with. It was just a couple of shows. Just temporary.

"Jon," Spencer says, "you've been really great to help us out--" and Jon knows that it's coming, the ultimate, 'it's been great, have a nice life,' and he's actually not sure he can handle it, not with this band, even if he knew going in that this is how it was going to be "--So, we were wondering, the three of us, if maybe you would want to, I don't know, come on this tour with us. We can see if it works out, if this could be permanent."

Jon had played this conversation out in his head, and this was never where he saw it going. He's a little in shock, maybe can't really think of what to say, except that yes is totally and completely his answer.

"We wouldn't have to make it permanent right away," Brendon says, "just, you know, see how it--"

"Yes," Jon says. He doesn't really need any convincing. This is what he wants, to be in a band, to be in _this_ band, with these guys. It's all he wants.

Brendon is the first one to jump off the sofa and pull Jon up into a hug. Spencer and Ryan follow.

-

Jon flies back to Chicago that night. He goes home, throws his things down in his old bedroom, plays with Dylan and then goes to see Cassie. He wants her to be the first to know. If there's anyone who wants him to make it in a band, to be successful and get to do this thing he's always wanted to do as much as he does, it's Cassie. He knows she'll be thrilled for him, maybe as thrilled as he is.

He bounces on the balls of his feet as he waits for her to answer the door. It feels like forever before she's there, smiling at him and letting him pull her into a big hug.

"Cassie, I have to tell you something." He's trying to keep himself from smiling too big and giving himself away, but he can't help it. He's pretty ecstatic.

"Jon, yeah, me too." Jon catches something in her voice. She doesn't seem happy to see him, not as much as usual. He doesn't let it bother him though. He's too happy with his life right now to worry about something that might be nothing.

They go into the house and up to her room. With the dorms closed, she's at home with her parents for the summer

"So, what did you have to tell me?" She says, sitting down on her bed.

"You go first," Jon says. Maybe if it's bad he should hear it before he starts gushing at her and making a fool of himself.

"No," she says, smiling. "You."

"Okay. So, these guys, the ones I've been helping out, they need someone permanent, and they asked me, Cass. They want me to join their band and go on tour with them in a week. I'm going to be in a band again." Jon is grinning again without really thinking about it. He knows it's technically only temporary, but he can't imagine any scenario wherein he wouldn't want to join this band for good.

"Oh, that's great, Jon." Cassie smiles.

"Yeah, it is. Now," He says, "Your turn." He's still grinning at her.

"Jon," she says. She starts to say more but seems to think better off it and waves a hand in the air. "Maybe later."

Jon's grin falls into a much smaller smile, and he sits next to her on the bed, putting an arm around her. "Whatever it is, Cass. Tell me."

"Jon," she says, her voice in a low whisper, "I don't want to-- You're happy. You have everything you've always wanted."

"I do," he says, grinning a little again. "And that includes you, so whatever it is, tell me."

"Jon," Cassie says. "I'm pregnant."

Jon's first instinct is to laugh because Cassie is obviously joking. There's no way she can actually be pregnant.

He manages out a nervous chuckle before he realizes that she's not laughing. She looks kind of worried, even. Then Jon thinks that if she's not kidding, he obviously misheard her. Lots of things sound like 'pregnant.'

"Jon, are you okay?" Cassie bites her lip. "I know it's kind of-"

"No, I'm fine," Jon says. "Are you sure? I mean, maybe you did the test wrong. Have you actually seen a doctor?"

"Jon, I'm sure. I wouldn't be telling you this now if I wasn't sure," Cassie says, frowning. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize. It's not your fault." Jon wishes he could blame her, but he can't. "I guess I need to call Spencer." Jon thinks Spencer is the one most likely to understand.

"You don't have to do that. I'll understand if you still want to go," Cassie says. "I don't want you to resent me later because you didn't do this."

"No," Jon says. "I'll stay." It's the hardest decision Jon thinks he'll ever have to make, choosing Cassie over something he's always wanted, but he doesn't really feel like he has a choice. He shouldn't leave her for them, so he won't.

"Jon-" Cassie starts to argue, but he stops her.

"I'll call them tomorrow," he says, pulling her in tightly.

"Jon, don't do that," Cassie says, sighing.

"I'm not giving up anything, Cass." It's a lie, and it's not easy for him to say.

It feels like he's losing something that could be important, but he's losing it before it was ever really his, and this is much more important than any band could ever be.

-

Jon wakes up in Cassie's bed, curled up with her in the same clothes he was wearing the night before. They hadn't spent the night talking or crying or anything as dramatic as that. They'd just fallen asleep. They don't have a lot to talk about. There was never any question as to what they'd do.

Back before Jon left to go on tour with the Academy, they'd talked about getting married and having kids some day. In theory, someday would have been really far in the future, after college and jobs and fun. Neither of them expected that it would be now, but that's the way it happened, and there's nothing they can do about it.

He slips away from her, careful not to wake her up and goes into the hallway to pull out his phone. He doesn't call Brendon. He can't risk it. If he has to hear Brendon's voice break he won't be able to go through with this, and he _has_ to go through with this. He doesn't call Ryan because Ryan will try to change his mind. He calls Spencer. Spencer is the most sensible. Spencer will understand.

 _"Jon, hey," Spencer says. Jon can hear the smile in his voice. He tries not to be sad about that._

 _"Spencer, I need to talk to you. Are the other guys there?" He hopes the answer to that question is no. He doesn't want to talk to the other guys. That's why he called Spencer in the first place._

 _"Ryan's still sleeping. Brendon is here though," Spencer says. "Hey, Brendon, Jon's on the phone."_

 _Jon wants to plead with Spencer to just leave the room but he hears Brendon say, "Hey, Jon!" and Spencer says, "Hold on, let me put you on speaker."_

 _Before he can argue he's talking to both of them. He isn't sure he can do this._

 _"Brendon, hi." He tries to stop his voice from faltering, to sound like he's not about to give them bad news, but there's not really any way around it, and his voice breaks. "Look, I have to talk to you about yesterday."_

 _"We talked to Pete last night!" Brendon says. He sounds happy. "I mean, Pete knew we were going to ask you, but he's really thrilled you said yes. He said he would call you today to talk about details or whatever and maybe start working up a contract." Jon hopes Spencer calls Pete first. He doesn't think he could handle that conversation on top of this one._

 _"Oh, right. About that," Jon says. "Guys, something came up, and..."_

 _"You had better not be flaking out on us," Brendon says. Jon knows Brendon is joking, but it hits him hard, right in the gut, because that's exactly what he's doing. He's flaking out on them -- these guys that are his friends._

 _"Actually," Jon says, pausing. "Well, I mean, I'm not-- It's not really flaking. It's-- Cass." He doesn't want to go into detail, not with Brendon on the line._

 _"You _are_ flaking on us, aren't you?" Brendon's voice is less teasing now, more angry, maybe even a little hurt. "Jon, I--"_

"Brendon," Spencer says. There's a tone of warning there. "Jon, what's going on? Yesterday you were thrilled."

Before Jon can answer, Brendon cuts in, saying, "What's going on is that he--" Jon hears a pause and imagines that Spencer has fixed Brendon with That Look "--Fine, you know what? Fine." He hears Brendon snap and there's another pause and then a slamming door and the click of the phone being taken off speaker.

"Spence," Jon says. "Look, Spence. It's not that simple. It's not that I don't want to-- You guys gave me an amazing chance, and I want more than anything to be in this band, but right now I just--" It's hard for Jon to get the words out. He doesn't know how to say 'thanks for the chance, it's amazing, but there's something more important,' even if it is justifiably so. He knows he's letting them all down.

"What's going on? Tell me so I can go tell Brendon and maybe smooth things over." Spencer doesn't exactly sound angry, but he's obviously not happy either.

"Cassie's pregnant," Jon says. He feels the way the words sound, feels the weight of them, finally feels how true it is, that this is actually happening.

"Oh." Jon can see Spencer's face falling as he realizes there's no way to change this, that this is how it is, and he can't fix it.

Jon wants to say he's sorry, but "Yeah," is all that comes out when he opens his mouth.

"Yeah," Spencer says. "Okay. Do you want me to tell them? Because if you want it to be a secret--"

"No, no. Tell them. I want them to know. I'm not flaking out. It's just --" Jon says. He only hopes that Brendon and Ryan understand.

"They'll understand," Spencer says, like he's reading Jon's mind. He pauses, then continues. "Brendon will understand." Spencer doesn't sound positive that that's the case, but Jon thinks maybe he'll come around, even if he's pissed off about it at first.

"I have to go," Jon says. "Cassie's probably awake." The truth is, Jon doesn't really want to talk about it anymore. Not with Spencer. He's afraid the more he talks about it, the more he'll think about what he's giving up, and he can't let himself regret this decision.

-

Jon and Cassie have so far decided three things: they will either live in a shitty apartment in a terrible neighborhood or Jon's parents house; Jon might have to stoop to working at Starbucks again; and Cassie is going back to school.

"I am not letting you give up school," Jon says. "Sorry, Cass. You're stuck with lectures and homework while I get to make coffee for strangers all day. I know your heart is breaking."

Cassie laughs and punches him lightly in the arm. "Shut up," she says. "I need to bring in money somehow, and what about when I have the baby?"

"We'll worry about that when the time comes. You'll make it through the fall semester, at least, right? And after that, I'm sure my mom or your mom would be more than happy to dote on the baby all day while you're in class and I'm at work," Jon says. He's actually got a little notebook and a pen that he intends to use for serious brainstorming purposes. He hasn't actually written anything down yet. "Now, back to living situations."

"I am not living in that shithole Tom suggested. That is _not_ a place that I want to raise a child. I actually don't think I would raise a rabid rat there." Cassie sighs, shrugging her shoulders. "Your parents offered."

"Do you really want to live with my parents, Cass? I mean, really?" Jon has gone months without living with his parents. Moving back in with them is basically the last thing he wants to do, ever.

"It's not like it would be permanent, Jon. Just until we have some money and can get a place where I can actually see a child living."

Jon can't see moving back in with his parents, not after touring and being on his own and being able to come and go as he pleased for six months. Not that he thinks his life is going to be his own for much longer. He's going to have Cassie and a baby and a real job again. He can't have his parents looking over his shoulder on top of all of that.

"But Cass-" He feels a little whiny, but he's serious about this. He's not willing to budge.

"No, Jon. No buts. We could live with my parents, if you'd rather," Cassie says, fixing him with a look.

Cassie's parents aren't bad. They love Jon, and Jon loves them, but ever since Cassie and Jon told them she was having a baby and they were going to do this, they've been giving Jon the evil eye, even when they're being completely nice and polite to him. He's not sure he could handle that twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

He isn't giving up that easily. Jon is about to reply when he hears his phone ring. He expects it to be his parents or his brother or something. He doesn't expect it to be Brendon. He briefly considers not even answering it. He doesn't know if he can take hearing that they haven't found anyone and could he please reconsider. He's not even sure if Spencer has told Ryan and Brendon why he didn't go with them.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Cassie asks him, pointing at the phone. "Who is it?"

"It's no one," he says. And then, "Yeah. I should get this." He walks out of the room, into the hallway. He doesn't really want to have this conversation in front of Cassie. "Hello?"

"Oh," Brendon says. "I thought you weren't going to answer." Jon thinks Brendon sounds a little disappointed that Jon actually answered the phone.

"Yeah, sorry. I was in the middle of something," Jon says. "Look, if you're going say anything about me flaking out..." He knows it's probably awful and he shouldn't snap at Brendon. He didn't know what was happening.

"No, I'm not. I'm--" Brendon says. "We just wanted to see how you were. Also, to let you know that you don't have to feel bad or whatever. We got this guy to be our temp bass player, and I think he's going to work out okay, at least for now."

"That's great," Jon says. He appreciates that Brendon called him, but he doesn't really want to hear how great things are with the band. "How are Spencer and Ryan?"

"Good, they're-- They're good. Spencer wanted me to call you." Brendon pauses just long enough that Jon can almost get a word in. "I guess he thought I was rude before or whatever."

Jon isn't actually surprised that Brendon's calling because Spencer told him to. He thinks that maybe he should be, but he's not. "No, you were fine. I shouldn't have agreed to something if I couldn't follow through."

"I have to go," Brendon says. "Hey, I hope you're doing okay. And Cassie too. Tell her we said hi."

"Yeah, I will. Bye, Brendon" Jon kind of wishes he could have talked to Spencer instead. Spencer is a lot better at pretending that he's not hurt and angry; Brendon doesn't hide his emotions, and then Jon feels even shittier.

"Jon," Brendon says, and Jon can hear the beginning of a question in his voice, but he just says, "I'll talk to you later." The phone line goes dead.

-

"I can't believe it," Cassie says, dropping her bag in the doorway. "Why did I let you talk me to into this?"

To be honest, Jon still isn't sure how he managed to talk her into moving into this place. It probably involved a lot of bribery.

"Because you love me and know how much it would pain me to live with my parents _and_ deal with a pregnant girlfriend?" Jon grins at her, pushing past her into the living room/kitchen/dining room/study. "It's not that bad."

"It most certainly is that bad. We can't raise a child here." Cassie wipes a finger across the door frame and then makes a face at the dust that now covers said finger.

"We aren't. We're living here because I don't have a job right now and you only have a part time job, and we're basically living off of the little tiny bit of money that I made when I was teching for The Academy." What little money he made teching for The Academy that he hadn't spent on alcohol. It's not like he had known he was going to need that money.

Cassie sighs, glancing around the tiny apartment. "I guess it's not that bad." She turns to Jon and points at him. "But the second I see a rodent, I'm moving back in with my parents."

Jon laughs, pulling her in for hug and kissing the top of her head. "Okay, you have a deal."

Jon doesn't think about bands or music or missed oppurtunities for the rest of the night.

-

First thing Monday morning, Jon gets out of bed and goes to look for a job. Cassie's part time job and the few hundred bucks he has left from Truckstops won't go very far. They're going to need money. Lots of money. He doesn't think he'll be able to get lots of money, but he can probably manage something.

That is, if he can find a job.

He tries a couple of places where he knows people, but no one is hiring. After he tries a few more smaller coffee shops that seem promising but turn out to not be, he ends up back at the Starbucks he was working at before Tom asked him to go with them.

They hire him back without a second thought, with nothing more than, "It's good to have you back! Here's an apron. Can you start tomorrow?"

And Jon thinks that this is his life now. A shitty apartment and a shitty part time job with shitty pay, but at least he has Cassie and they're together, and maybe it isn't so bad.

-

Jon settles back into life in Chicago much easier than he had expected to. He goes to work and makes money and buys groceries and calls his mom every day because if he doesn't call her she'll call him. He also talks to Tom a few days a week, giving him updates and telling him Cassie says hi.

Jon doesn't get out to shows often, but he does when he has the chance. Cassie never gives him a hard time about wanting to go out to see some band that he kind of knows play at a bar downtown.

It's actually not that bad. He's even stopped thinking about Panic so much. Every once in a while that song comes on the radio, and Jon wonders if maybe he would be on tour, if maybe he would be an official member of the band, but it doesn't completely tear away at his brain.

Not usually.

One day in late June, Jon is sitting around the apartment alone, and his phone rings. He looks at the display and sees Spencer's name. He hasn't talked to any of them since that last conversation with Brendon.

He picks up on the third ring. After the awkward first few moments and strained "hello"s and "how have you been"s it actually isn't that bad.

"How's Cassie?" Spencer asks, and if it were anyone else -- if it were Brendon -- Jon would think it was idle smalltalk, but this is Spencer. He knows that Spencer cares.

"She's okay. She had to kick me out of a doctor's appointment a couple of days ago." Jon laughs quietly.

"Do I even want to know?" Jon can practically hear Spencer's eyes rolling at him.

"It involves a speculum and a silly voice. I don't actually want to talk about it." It was a horrific moment in his life, and Jon's not ready to relive it yet.

"Oh my God," Spencer says. "I don't want to know. Never elaborate on that story, please." Spencer sounds truly horrified, and Jon doesn't blame him. It was pretty awful.

"I don't think you have to worry about that, Spence. I wasn't planning on it. In fact, I'd like to pretend it didn't happen. Cassie too, which is why I'm sure she's never letting me take her to the doctor again." Jon's actually sure because Cassie told him exactly that when she got back to the car.

"Your poor girlfriend. I feel sorry for her." Spencer laughs and then says, "Just a minute, Brendon," away from the receiver. "So, yeah, I'm supposed to ask you to come to the show. We've got a ticket with your name on it -- Cassie too, if she's up to it. It's July seventh. I don't need an answer now, but--" He sighs into the phone. "We'd really like you to be there, Jon."

It's not that Jon doesn't want to go to the show. It's just the he's been doing really well. He hasn't been thinking about the guys or the band. He's been living his life and being a good barista and boyfriend and father-to-be, and it's been okay. He doesn't need this.

What he says is: "Yeah, that sounds good."

"Great," Spencer says. He sounds relieved. "Brendon and Ryan are going to be really glad you're coming."

"Yeah, uhm. Yeah," Jon says. He wonders if Spencer is just saying that. He can't imagine Brendon being happy to see him for any reason. "Look, Cassie will be home soon and I need to clean up my shit. I'll see you at the show."

Jon hangs up the phone before Spencer can say goodbye.

-

"So, Spence called and invited us to the show next week. If you're up to it and everything. I don't know, it could be fun," Jon says the second Cassie walks through the door.

"They're coming to town?" She asks, setting her backpack on the counter. At his nod, she tilts her head considering it. "I don't know. It could be fun. Maybe? I might have to work, but you should go. You can catch up." Jon thinks Cassie probably feels worse about what's happened than she ever lets on, even though he doesn't -- would never -- blame her. The first few weeks he was back in Chicago, Cassie asked him repeatedly if he was sure this was what he wanted. Jon eventually convinced both of them that it was.

"Yeah. I guess. It could be fun," He echoes. He doesn't really want to go alone. "Yeah, I guess I'll go." He feels like he can't really say no.

"Great," Cassie says, smiling. "Now, what's for dinner? I'm starving."

Shit, Jon knew he was forgetting something. It's his day to make dinner. They end up ordering Chinese, spending what little Jon has left of his check after paying the phone bill.

-

The day before the show Brendon calls. Jon's just come off a long shift at work, and he mostly wants to go home and collapse into bed, even though it's barely five. He answers the phone anyway because he was sure that Brendon wasn't speaking to him, and if that's changed, he doesn't want to ruin it.

"So, Spencer said you're coming tomorrow night!" Brendon sounds ecstatic. "That's awesome, man. We can't wait to see you again. I think Zack's even excited."

"Yeah," Jon says, collapsing onto the sofa, gripping the phone in his hand a little tighter than necessary. He hopes it's not obvious to Brendon that he's less excited than he probably should be.

"Hey, maybe you can hang out a little after? Or maybe before, whatever. I mean, we'll probably have to get out of Chicago right after the show, but we can hang out for a few hours. We'd like to spend some time with the guy who was almost our bassist." Jon's sure that Brendon doesn't mean for that to come out the way it does, and he honestly doesn't blame Brendon. It's not like it's a lie. It still hurts.

"Yeah, maybe. I don't know," Jon says. "I mean, I have work. And Cassie--"

"Oh, is Cassie coming?" Brendon asks.

"Oh, no. She can't make it. She wants to, though. She said maybe next time." Jon really wishes Cassie could be there. It might not make watching the guys play without him easier, but having her there might keep Jon from leaving before he even says hello to anyone.

"Well, if you change your mind, you know where to reach us." Brendon sighs. "You know, I didn't think I'd see the day when Jon Walker would choose work over fun. You're being a grown up. Have you been bodyswapped?" Brendon laughs quietly.

"I guess, yeah. That's what happens when you grow up." Jon doesn't really mean for that to sound insulting, but it kind of does, and it's probably not at all fair to Brendon. He feels like an ass, but a small part of him also feels like Brendon had it coming. He justifies it by reminding himself that Brendon started it. That's mature, right?

"Yeah," Brendon says. "Yeah, okay. Well, I guess I'll let you go." There's a pause and then Brendon adds, "You've probably got important things to do." Jon flinches at Brendon's tone. He feels like such an ass. He didn't mean it like that.

"Brendon--" Jon starts, but he doesn't know how to finish. He forgets sometimes that Brendon grew up a lot faster than most of the people Jon knows, and he can admit that.

"No, it's cool. You've really got more important things to do. It's not like we don't get that. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye," Brendon says and hangs up the phone.

"Bye, Brendon," Jon says to no one.

-

Jon wants to go to the show. He does. But work kind of sucked. There was a new kid who had absolutely no clue what the fuck was going on, and Jon ended up doing more than double the work he should have been doing. He's getting home an hour late anyway, and he has about half an hour to change into something that doesn't smell like coffee and get to the venue, which is at least that far away.

And then he's going to have to deal with Brendon, and he already feels like an ass. He wants to go to the show, really. In the way that he actually kind of doesn't.

On top of all that, he'll have to see them up there, with his replacement -- not that he was ever a part of the band to begin with. It's one thing to hear them on the radio and see them on MTV. It's one thing to know that they're out there having a good time and doing what they love. It's another thing to come face to face with it, to see them up on the stage with the kids singing back at them. He wonders if Brent ever feels this way.

All he's done all day is make coffee for people who can spend $4 on a cup of coffee five times a day when he can't afford $4 a _week_ on non-essentials. He's thinking of rent checks and phone bills and the fact that in about six months he's going to be a father and really, Jon doesn't need a whole night of being reminded of of what might have, could have -- maybe should have -- been.

When Jon gets up to the apartment, he throws his keys down and says, "I don't think I'm going to go to the show tonight."

Cassie is getting ready for the night shift at the small bookstore where she works. Jon thinks the way her uniform shirt stretches over the first hints of her baby bump is cute, but he doesn't mention it. Cassie can still punch like a motherfucker.

"Why not?" She calls from their bedroom. "I thought you were really excited to see everyone."

"I feel like shit. I think it's food poisoning or something," Jon says. He knows she's not going to buy it for second. They've been together for long enough that she can pretty much call him on his shit no matter what. Sometimes he hates it.

"Yeah right," Cassie says, walking into the living room. "Bullshit, Jon Walker. You look fine. Maybe a little tired, but you can go see your friends."

"I told you I don't --"

"And I told you, bullshit. Is this because of me? Because I told you that I'm fine with you going to this show. You don't go out anymore, and these guys are your friends. You want to see them again. _Go._ " Jon loves Cassie, really. Just not as much right now as he usually does.

"No, okay?" Jon uses a little more force than is probably necessary, especially since it's Cassie, and she hasn't done anything wrong. "I just don't feel good, okay, Cass? I'll call them and let them know."

He's lying and he knows it. Calling them is the last thing he wants to do.

-

Jon dreams things are different. He dreams Cassie never told him that he was going to be a father, that he joined Panic and now he's on tour, spending all of his time with them instead of at Starbucks or in a shitty apartment. He dreams that he's making music and taking pictures and singing stupid songs with Brendon and discussing music with Ryan instead of barely making it. It's a really good dream. He hasn't had a dream like it since he got back to Chicago.

He wakes up to Cassie curled against his side, and 'I Write Sins Not Tragedies' screeching from his clock radio. God, he fucking hates this song. Jon tries not to spend too much time wishing things were different. He's mostly happy with his life.

He sighs, rolling out of bed and reaching for his phone. He's sure there are going to be messages from the guys. At least from Spencer, because Ryan hasn't said much to him anyway, and he's sure that Brendon won't be speaking to him.

He has three missed calls. Two from Spencer, one from Brendon. He debates not listening to the voicemails, but in the end he can't bring himself to delete them without hearing what they have to say.

The first is Spencer, before the show. He wants to make sure Jon is still coming. Jon sighs before deleting it. The second is Spencer halfway through the opening acts, asking if he's still coming and if not he'd better have a good fucking reason. Jon deletes it too. The last is Brendon. He doesn't say much at all. "It's Brendon. I guess something came up. Yeah, so," and then the line goes dead.

Jon feels like there's more Brendon wanted to say but didn't. It probably added up to _Jon Walker is an asshole. See if we ever invite you to another show._

Jon wouldn't blame them if they didn't.

-

Jon is sure that he's never going to hear from Brendon or Spencer or Ryan again. The thought makes him sad, even when he's not thinking about the band. He actually did like them, wanted to be friends with them outside of touring and playing songs. It's just really hard to maintain friendships when you're on tour. Jon understands that.

Understanding it doesn't actually make it easier.

"Are you going to finish that eggroll?" Cassie doesn't wait for him to answer before reaching across the tiny table to take it off of his plate.

Cassie hasn't been having any weird cravings or forcing Jon to go out in the middle of the night for pickles and ice cream or anything, but she had been eating a lot more than usual. He supposes that's probably normal.

"No, Cass," he says. "Go for it." He smirks a little, amused.

"Shut up," Cassie says around a mouth full of eggroll. "I'm hungry."

"I can see that." Jon is not that hungry. He's mostly just pushing chow mein around his plate and pretending to eat.

Cassie throws a piece of orange chicken and it hits Jon in the forehead. Jon says, "Oh, that was just unfair. You're declaring war," and then throws a handful of noodles at her. It only escalates from there.

It's times like this that make Jon realize he doesn't actually regret the choices that he's made. It's times like this he can't imagine being anywhere else.

-

Jon has had a really good day at work. He's only been back at Starbucks for a couple of months, and he's already been promoted back up to Shift Manager and given a raise. Not a big raise, but a couple of dollars an hour will help some, and they need all the help they can get.

It's an early day, and Cassie's off, so they're planning on going out somewhere. They don't do it often. Usually, one or both of them is working or they're too tired, or Cassie isn't feeling well. Nothing is going wrong tonight though, Jon can feel it.

Jon knows better than to trust his feelings. One of the stupid teenagers calls in, and there's no one else, and he has to work later than he was supposed to. It isn't fair, but he just got promoted and he just got a raise, and it's probably best not to screw that up.

He waits until his break between shifts to call Cassie.

"Jon! Hey, so I was thinking that after dinner we could..." Cassie sounds excited. Jon groans inwardly. He doesn't want to disappoint her. He's really kind of tired of disappointing people.

"Actually," Jon says, cutting her off. "Someone called in sick. I imagine sick means hungover, but it's all the same. He's not coming in. They want me to stay, and I can't really say no."

"But..." Cassie sighs. "No, it's okay. I understand. Besides, it's overtime, and that's never bad. What time will you be home?"

"After closing. I'm really sorry, Cass," He says softly. Jon is really really sorry.

"No, don't be. It's not your fault." Jon can tell that she means it, but that doesn't keep him from feeling guilty about ditching on their first night out in a long time. It's not like they're going to have many more of those in the future.

"Yeah, I know." He does know. Sort of. "I'll see you later, all right?"

"Yeah, bye."

By the end of the night, Jon goes back to wishing he was on tour with his friends, with nothing to worry about.

-

Jon is woken up by something that is not his alarm. He knows it's not his alarm because he didn't set his alarm last night. He has the day off, and he was planning on sleeping in. But there's a loud noise and it's cutting into his sleep, and he wants it to go away. He blinks a few times and looks at the clock. Oh. It's noon. Okay, so maybe he has slept in.

Once he's at least partially awake, he realizes the ringing noise is his phone, and it's stopped for about ten seconds and then started all over again. He throws off the covers and sighs, going over to the dresser to get his phone off the charger.

Oh.

It's Brendon. He hasn't spoken to Brendon since before the Chicago show. He hasn't talked to Spencer since then either. He honestly can't imagine any reason Brendon would have to call him now. Brendon probably hates him.

He wishes Brendon didn't hate him. The phone is still ringing.

"Hello?" Jon says, a little unsure. He wouldn't admit it, but he sort of hopes that Brendon is drunk and won't remember calling him later.

"Jon, hi," Brendon says. "Am I bothering you?"

"What? No. I was just sleeping," Jon says. "It's okay. I should have been up hours ago." He actually had no intention of being up hours ago, but it seems like the right thing to say.

"Oh," Brendon says. "Oh, so, like, okay, we're going to be in Chicago again? I know that, like, the last time you didn't make it and we maybe fought a little, but--" Brendon is understating things by a lot. "I know, Spence, Christ," Brendon says to someone not Jon, presumably Spencer. "Anyway, we want you to come. If you want to and you don't have other things to do, or whatever." Brendon sounds unsure of himself, like he's convinced Jon is going to say no. Or maybe he just doesn't see the point in asking if he thinks Jon isn't going to show up whether he says he will or not. "We're playing Lollapalooza, so it's going to be an all day thing. You can come for just our set or you can come and hang out and see other bands or--"

"Okay," Jon says. He feels like he should make an effort, since he was kind of a dick about it the last time.

"Yeah?" Brendon says. He sounds surprised. Jon wonders if that should upset him as much as it does. It probably shouldn't.

"Yeah, I mean, yeah. I can't really guarantee until I've seen if I can actually get the day off, but yeah. I'll try," Jon says.

"Oh." Brendon sounds relieved. "Spencer and Ryan said you'd say yes, but I didn't want to bother you after last time and stuff. I thought you might have better things to do." Brendon either doesn't realize what he's saying, or he's really that good at knowing how to get to Jon.

"No," Jon says. "No, not. No. I want to go. I'll let you know, okay."

"Yeah, okay," Brendon says. "So, I should go. Bye, Jon."

"Bye, Brendon."

Brendon hangs up.

The thing is, Jon's comfortable with the choices he's made. He doesn't hate his job now that he gets to yell at the newbies, and it's impossible not to be excited about the baby. It woke him up at 3 the other night _kicking_ , and Cassie's complaining about sore ankles and fucking _glowing_ , and Jon doesn't care that it's cliche. Even on bad days, the wishing for things he won't ever have is a dull, distant ache, nothing like the sharp pain from the first few weeks. He still wonders though, and he thinks that yeah, seeing Brendon and Spencer and Ryan is going to make all of that come rushing back.

He still doesn't want to miss it. Not this time.

-

"I think I have the flu," Jon says. It's not a total lie. His stomach is kind of twisted up, and he feels nauseous. He's even lying on the sofa. Okay, he's pretty sure it's not the flu, but he doesn't feel _well_.

"You do not have the flu, Jonathan Jacob Walker." Cassie stands in front of him with her hands on her hips. Jon won't dare tell her how cute she looks like that, with her belly getting a little bigger every day. "Get your ass up and get in the car. You are going to see your friends. You're not getting out of it this time."

"But, I really--" he starts, trying for a pout. Cassie gives him that looks that clearly says 'don't you dare,' And he thinks better of it. "Fine," He says, "I'm going, but if I come home tonight miserable, it's all your fault."

"You're not going to be miserable," Cassie says. "You're going to have a good time."  
"And if I don't?" Jon actually does want to see the guys. He just doesn't need anything distracting him now that his life is finally coming together.

"Then you can come home and take it out on me, but you won't. I know these things."   
"You just want me out of your hair, since you're off today and don't have anything to do, don't you?" Jon is smart, okay. Sometimes Cassie thinks she can outsmart him, but seriously, he won't fall for it.

"Maybe," Cassie says, grinning. "But seriously, Jon. I mean it. Go, have fun. I'll call you if I need anything."

"Yeah, okay." Jon sighs. "Okay, I'm going." He pushes himself up. "I'm going."   
Jon doesn't know if this is going to be the best day he's had in a while or an incredible disaster.

-

Jon is pushed backstage. Pushed, literally. He's sort of pointed in the direction by someone at the will call booth and then Zack sees him and slings an arm around him, dragging him toward the area designated for dressing rooms. And then proceeds to leave Jon standing in front of the door labeled _Panic! at the Disco_ , before wandering off muttering something about 'Capri Suns.'

Jon thinks, very seriously, about going home. He could just go into the crowd and blend. He could watch the show and see the guys do their thing and never have to speak to them. They wouldn't even have to know he was there. He wouldn't have to meet his replacement or make small talk with anyone. It would be nice.

Except he doesn't do that. He knocks on the door.

"Jon Walker!" Brendon says. "You made it! I actually can't believe it. I was kind of afraid you were going to flake out on us again." Brendon's words aren't laced with anything. They're light and friendly, but they make Jon feel like he's getting punched in the gut. Brendon has a way of making that happen. One day Jon will figure out why.

"Yeah, I, uh." Jon doesn't really know how to respond, so he just goes with, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Spencer says. He's somewhere across the room, possibly in a closet. Jon can't see him. "Brendon still hasn't perfected that whole 'think before you speak' concept."

"Shut up, Spencer," Brendon says, pulling Jon into the room by the arm.

Jon is starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Also, like he's being put on the spot. Spencer comes out of a cabinet that is pretending to be a closet and smiles at Jon. He has kind of missed Spencer's smile. Ryan waves, but doesn't actually look up from his Sidekick. And there's someone Jon doesn't know sitting in the corner. He looks familiar, like someone that Jon might have met at a party or backstage, but he can't put a name to the face.

"Hey, Cortez, come meet the guy you stole your spot in the band from," Brendon says, laughing. "Jon Walker, meet Matt Cortez."

Jon smiles, kind of, and then waves. He doesn't really know what to say to this guy. It was never really his spot in the band, not in any technical sort of way, and Jon is close to being almost over it and has been for a while. Still. It's weird being in the same room with him and being expected to be nice. Jon doesn't actually feel like being nice.

"So, you're going to hang backstage during the show, right? I'm not letting you get lost in the crowd, Jon." Brendon points at him. "I am not letting you sneak off without saying goodbye -- and don't tell me you weren't thinking about it."

Jon might have been thinking about it. He feels guilty now. He also wants to know how Brendon figured that out, given that they haven't seen each other and have barely even spoken in months.

"Don't be stupid, Brendon," Ryan says. "Jon wouldn't do that."

Jon feels really guilty now. "Right," Jon says. "No, I wouldn't. Of course not." Jon really needs some air. "Okay, I'll just go find some place to situate myself. You guys get ready. I'll see you after the show."

He doesn't wait for them to say anything before he turns to leave.

"Did I say something wrong?" Brendon says, just as Jon closes the door.

-

The show is good, not perfect, but good. Jon can see how much fun they're having up there on stage together, and it hasn't been long enough since he helped them out that he doesn't remember what it felt like. He glances at what could have been his spot on the stage. Matt Cortez doesn't fit in with the other three anymore than Jon did. He might actually fit in with them less, but it doesn't really feel wrong to Jon. Cortez still knows all the songs and smiles at the crowd and lets Brendon do what Brendon's going to do.

He knows it's selfish to wish they looked like they were missing something -- some _Jon-shaped_ something that would have made them complete. But there they are, living their lives like Jon was never an almost-part of the band, like they never needed him at all. They look whole, and it hurts.

Jon really wants to leave. Zack is only a few feet away though, and he doesn't think he could actually get very far. Anyway, Brendon would probably track him down and say terrible things if he left. At the very least, there would be angry voice mails that Jon would feel bad for deleting.

"So, we have a friend who lives in Chicago," Brendon says. Jon notices him sneaking a look backstage. "So, uh, I'm going to dedicate this song to him. It's by the Smashing Pumpkins and it's entitled _Tonight, Tonight_."

Jon feels something in his stomach. He's not sure what, but he's pretty sure nausea is somehow involved. At least there's something at the pit of his stomach that's all tied up in knots. Brendon keeps shooting looks backstage throughout the song, winks a few times, smiles and goes on, and then he sings Jon's name and, okay, if Jon was a little more sensitive and a _girl_ he might start crying. He is neither. This validation that they actually do still like him -- maybe even miss him -- doesn't do anything silly like choke him up. At all.

Jon really wants to get out of here.

-

He manages to make it through the rest of the set. The guys run backstage after the last song buzzing with stage energy and bouncing around. Jon would miss it if he wasn't sort of feeling it himself.

Brendon is the first backstage. He lunges at Jon and clings to him despite the fact that he's sweaty and kind of gross. Jon doesn't mind.

"You're still here! Did you like the show?" Brendon asks, grinning.

"Yes I did," Jon says. "You guys were awesome. Good job, man," he says, nodding to Matt. "I'm sorry I missed last time."

"Nope, we aren't going to talk about that," Brendon says. "What we are going to do is go somewhere fun and hang out."

"I should really get home. Cassie's--" Brendon covers Jon's mouth with his hand, shutting him up.

"No," Brendon says. "No, you are not turning us down. You are going to let us pile into your car and take us somewhere that will serve alcohol to innocent minors. That is what you're going to do. And we will tell you lame-ass tour stories and you will tell us all about being a regular dude with a girlfriend and an apartment and a baby on the way. Who's with me?"

"I want a shower," Ryan says.

"I'm meeting Haley," Spencer says.

"You're both lame-asses," Brendon says, looking at Matt. "You're with us, right?"

"Uhm, actually--" Matt seems like he doesn't _want_ to say no to Brendon, but he's obviously going to anyway.

"Fine," Brendon says. "It looks like it's just you and me. Come on, Jon. They can be losers if they want. _We_ are hanging out."

-

They end up at Starbucks. There's no alcohol, but it's open and Jon gets a discount, which is definitely a plus. He doesn't have a lot of money to spare.

They've huddled up in the corner, on one of the sofas. Brendon's had a couple of lattes, and has been content to just keep talking until he runs out of breath. Jon hasn't really felt the need to stop him.

"So, it was kind of weird at first. Because we already knew you, and we were comfortable with you, and then we had to have, like, actual auditions to find someone, and they were new, and--I don't know. Sometimes I'm still not sure." Brendon sighs a bit. "I mean, Matt's okay. He's a good bass player, and we get a long with him, but he's not the best ...I don't know. Fit."

Jon doesn't know how to respond to that. He wasn't a great fit either.

"Whatever, you know. Sometimes we just really wish it was you up there on stage every night," Brendon says, shrugging. "I mean, Spencer and Ryan too. Not just me."

"Sometimes I wish I was up there on stage with you, too," Jon says. And it's weird because it's the first time he's actually said it out loud. Of course Cassie _knows_ , but Jon's not enough of an asshole to ever _say_ it. Besides, it doesn't do any good to wish he was somewhere else. He doesn't want to wish he were somewhere else.

But sometimes.

"Fuck. I'm sorry." Brendon shakes his head, looking down at his coffee cup. "I didn't mean to make you feel like shit. I do that sometimes, don't I? Say things that remind you that you're not with us. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I'd think about it either way." Jon knows he would. He doesn't bother to deny it.

"Yeah," Brendon says, and then, "So, hey, tell me about everything. I want to know about you having a job and living with Cassie and baby stuff. Tell me baby stuff."

"It's," Jon says, shrugging. "It's normal, you know? My job isn't bad -- I get a discount on coffee, which is kind of awesome. Cassie's good, and we have this tiny apartment that barely fits the two of us _without_ a baby. We'll have to trade it in when the baby comes, probably. It's. Yeah. Everything is, you know, normal."

"Normal isn't bad." Brendon says. "Sometimes I miss normal. Sometimes I kind of just want to have five minutes to myself without Ryan or Spencer or Matt or some fans around to like... I don't know, think."

Jon had never really thought of it like that, but yeah. It's got to be hard, never having a minute to yourself. He might take that over having too much time to think, though.

"But, hey, I get to be a rockstar, so there's that!" Brendon says, grinning. "You know, you _are_ going to come back on tour with us someday. We might all be old and have ten albums under our belts, and your kid will be old enough to start his or her own band. We'll say, 'Hey, we need a tech, who can we call?' or Matt will break his hip and I'll be like, 'Let's call Jon. He can take Matt's place,' and you'll do it. It'll be awesome."

Jon likes that idea. He kind of wishes it could happen that way, and for a second, he's willing to let himself believe that it might.

"You're a loser," He says, laughing at Brendon. "I'm suddenly very glad that I didn't join your band."

"You are not. You miss us like crazy every day and you're jealous and want to come on tour with us forever."

Brendon is joking, and Jon knows it. That doesn't make it any less true.

-

Jon can't stop looking at the clock. Today has been really long and there's been too much drama. He's ready to go home and crawl into bed with Cassie, maybe put his hand on her stomach and try to feel the baby kick.

Ever since Jon saw the Panic guys again, he's felt a lot better about everything. Even the little pangs of regret have mostly gone away. He still misses playing and he misses the guys, but he doesn't ever think about being anywhere other than where he is.

Even if where he is happens to really suck right now.

Luckily, Starbucks has slowed down for the day. The rush is over, and Jon's taking a breather-- or at least he's wiping down counters instead of performing caffeine alchemy. Someone clears their throat to get his attention, and Jon looks up and immediately forgets what he was doing.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Jon says, grinning. "Thomas Conrad. Shouldn't you be...I don't know, somewhere else?"

"It's a long story," Tom says, shrugging. He doesn't seem happy. "I'm here now, and it's time for you to leave. We're going out."

Short of a few phone calls, Jon hasn't talked to Tom since Truckstops. He hasn't seem him at all, and that's kind of tragic. Jon doesn't really have the heart to tell Tom that he's too tired to think about doing anything besides going home and crawling into bed.

"Okay, yeah." Jon plasters on a smile. As tired as he is, he's happy to see Tom. "Just let me finish this. I have a few more minutes."

-

Tom and Jon end up in a dive, a place where the bardtenders don't care that Jon isn't quite 21 yet. It's near the apartment, and Jon's been there a few times. He doesn't make a habit of going out drinking anymore, especially not alone.

"No, man. Cass doesn't want to know. It's cool. I'm all for being surprised." Jon nods at his glass. "I can't lie though. I'm really hoping for a boy."

"This is fucking surreal, man. Talking to Jonny Walker about babies and shit. I never thought I would see the day. I mean, I knew. You told me, but wow, I mean. Wow." Tom laughs, shaking his head.

"Yeah," Jon says. Jon is not unaware of how surreal it all is. "It's cool, though, you know. I don't know, it's not easy or anything. We're kind of struggling to make it, and our apartment sucks, but we're okay."

"You're going to be a _dad_." Tom gives him a sharp look that says he's not joking when he adds, "I'd better be the godfather."

"You got it." He's been avoiding asking Tom what he's doing here in Chicago, when his band is off somewhere working on an album. He doesn't think he's going to get any answers out of Tom anyway. "So," he says, and he doesn't really know how to follow it up.

"I don't want to talk about it," Tom says.

Jon nods. "Yeah, I didn't think you would." It's kind of tense now. Jon figures whatever happened, it must have been bad. "Do you want to come see the apartment?"

-

"It was so awesome, Jon!" Brendon says into the phone. "Seriously. You know, after I regained consciousness."

Apparently, Brendon had been bottled earlier in the day. Panic is in England somewhere. Jon is actually more happy for them than jealous now, and he definitely considers that progress.

"Awesome? It sounds painful," Jon says, laughing quietly into the phone.

"Dude, yeah, I mean, it hurt like hell. I got knocked out, but I got bottled at _Reading_. That's like, you know, a thing!" Jon can imagine Brendon with the phone crooked between his shoulder and his ear, talking animatedly with his hands as he gives Jon the whole story.

"Shut up, Urie, you cried like a baby," someone says in the background. It's not Spencer or Ryan, so Jon guesses it must be Matt.

" _You_ cried like a baby, Cortez," Brendon says, and then to Jon, "He totally wants me. He just can't admit it to himself." Brendon laughs and then Jon hears a small, friendly scuffle and Brendon comes back with, "Fuck you, too. Sorry. He's going off to pine for now. We can talk."

Jon doesn't miss it nearly as much as he used to, but he kind of wishes he could be there to give Brendon a hard time about this. It seems like fun.

"How's Cassie?" Brendon asks. "When's the baby due? I don't think you've said."

"Cassie's good. End of November, and sorry. I've already told Tom that he can be the godfather." Jon laughs.

"Fine, fine. Choose your best friend since, like, high school over me. I will be over here in England crying," Brendon says, over-dramatically. "This is all your fault, Jon Walker. I'm going to tell Spencer you made me cry."

"Spencer won't care. Spencer loves me." Jon grins. "Besides, what's he going to do? Hop a flight from England to come beat me up?"

"He might." Jon can hear Brendon's smile. "Spencer owes me." Jon hears someone talking to Brendon and then a pause on the line, and then, "Oh, I guess I have to go. Places to go, people to see."

"Of course. Go be a rockstar. Tell Spencer and Ryan I said hi," Jon says.

"And if I don't?" Brendon's tone is teasing. "What are you going to do? Hop a flight from Chicago and beat me up?"

"Shut the fuck up, and go be a rockstar," Jon says, laughing. "Bye, Brendon."

"See ya!" The phone goes dead.

Jon spends the rest of the day in a really good mood.

-

Jon and Cassie start looking for a new apartment sometime in October. They've put a little money aside. They might be able to afford something nicer by the time they actually find a place. Cassie really wants a nice nursery for the baby.

Jon's mom keeps bugging him to propose to Cassie because now that they're finally thinking about getting out of their tiny, awful apartment, and the baby is almost here, doesn't he think he should make an honest woman out of her?

Despite the baby and the apartment and the fact that they've been together for a few years, Jon can't actually think of a good reason to propose. Maybe all of those things, coupled with the fact that, yeah, he loves her, should be enough. But Jon can't bring himself to actually ask the question.

He tries not to think about that, and when his mom brings it up, he shrugs her off, tells her the time just isn't right.

When Tom brings it up, Jon flips him off.

-

"So, November 22nd," Spencer says. "And Brendon says you have to be there or he'll send me after you. I don't know what he thinks I'm going to do, but you know."

"He thinks you can kick my ass, Spence. It's okay. He's probably right," Jon says. "November 22nd. Okay. I think I can do that. I mean, it's right near Cassie's due date, but if she's okay with it, you know I'll be there."

"Oh, hey, Brendon said you were looking for a new place. Did you find one?" Jon's been talking to Brendon more than Spencer or Ryan. Brendon calls him at least once a week now, just to just talk and sometimes give him some sort of update about where the band is.

"Not yet," Jon says, shrugging as if Spencer can see him through the phone line. "If it's not until after the baby comes, it's fine. We're not in a rush, I guess. I mean, I'm not. I think Cassie's going a little crazy in this tiny apartment. She yelled at me the other day for...something. I'm not sure what, but I think it involved milk."

Jon actually isn't sure whether he's getting on Cassie's nerves lately, or if it's just stress and hormones, but she's been yelling at him a lot. He figures he probably deserves it, so he doesn't say anything.

"I'm sure after the baby comes it'll be better," Spencer says and then, "Yeah, okay. Okay, I have rehearsal, so I'll see you on the 22nd? Just do me a favor and call if you can't make it, because I have a feeling Brendon really would send me after you. I don't want to have to break your legs, Jon."

"Of course," Jon says. "Bye, Spence."

Spencer says goodbye, too, and hangs up the phone. Jon's break is over, and he has to go back to work.

-

Jon drags Tom along to see Panic's show. They told him to bring Cassie along, that they all want to see her, but she isn't really feeling well and the doctor has told them it could be any time now, so Tom got the extra ticket. It's been longer since he's seen Panic than Jon, and while Tom was never really close with them, never even really liked their music, he's not against the idea of seeing their show.

They wander backstage sometime between soundcheck and time for the show to start. Zack takes Jon and Tom back to the dressing room, which is currently empty, and says he'll go find the guys.

"I feel kind of bad leaving Cassie," Jon says, drumming his fingers on his thighs. "She looked really sick when I left."

"Dude, she told you to come. She'll be fine," Tom says. "I can go if you want, keep an eye on her and call you if anything happens."

"Nah, no. It's okay. She'll call." Jon is just feeling nervous. He's been sort of jumpy lately, since it's so close to Cassie's due date. Any day now, and he's going to be a father. It's all kind of unreal, and a little scary.

"Jon Walker!" The door opens and Brendon is standing there, all smiles and open arms, and Jon missed him a lot more than he realized, especially considering the fact that they speak so often. "And Tom Conrad! I heard about..." Brendon trails off, his smile dropping slightly. "I'm sorry about that, man."

Tom shrugs, says, "It happens," and doesn't offer anything else. Jon still hasn't gotten him to talk about what happened with the Academy. Jon doesn't think he'll ever talk about it, and that's okay. Tom has his own way of dealing with things, and talking it out has never really been one of them.

"Where are Ryan and Spencer?" Jon asks, deciding that he needs to be the one to change the subject.

"Oh, they're around. I don't know. Zack said you were here, so I sort of ran." If Jon didn't know any better he would think Brendon was embarrassed. Luckily, he knows Brendon doesn't actually get embarrassed about, like, anything.

"Have you recovered from being hit in the head with a bottle yet?" Jon grins at him. "Spencer said you've lost some brain function."

"Spencer is a liar. A vicious liar. That was months ago, and there have been no long term effects," Brendon says. He flops into the space between them on the couch and worms an arm around Jon. "I have missed you."

"Have you?" Jon says. Tom shoots him a look, but Jon ignores it, or at least pretends to ignore it. This is just how Brendon is. There is no need for looks. "I wouldn't have possibly noticed without you telling me."

"That's why I told you," Brendon says. "So, tell me, how are things? Is Cassie ready to pop yet?" Jon nearly laughs at the way Brendon asks that question, but he manages to reel it in.

"She's pretty close." Jon laughs and then shrugs his shoulders and says, "I actually feel like I probably shouldn't be here right now."

"Is someone with her now? Maybe you should be home," Brendon says. Jon never actually thought he would hear Brendon say that. It speaks a lot to how far they've come since June.

"I think she wanted me out of her hair. She nearly pushed me out of the apartment. My mom is there now, probably driving her even more crazy than I am. Or maybe they're planning my nonexistent wedding."

"You're getting married? And I'm not invited? I'm offended." Brendon's offended face looks a lot like Brendon's amused face.

"He's not getting married. He's being a complete chickenshit about getting married," Tom says, "and Cassie won't just scream at him about it already."

"It's fine, though, because Cassie has my mom and Tom on her side, so I hear about it enough that I'm never going to be able to forget anyway. Jesus." Marriage talk is starting to get on his last fucking nerve.

Brendon shifts slightly, a little uncomfortably, but doesn't move his arm from around Jon's shoulders. Then he says, "Well, that's good because if I found out you were getting married, I would be heartbroken." He grins a little, laying his head on Jon's shoulder.

Tom gives Jon another look.

Jon is going to say something, maybe even shoot Tom a dirty look right back, when his phone rings. It's his mom. She says, "Cassie's in labor, get here as soon as you can," and then hangs up on him.

He shrugs Brendon away, stands up and says, "I have to go. The baby's coming."

After that he doesn't really remember much. Tom pushes him into the car, and Brendon is behind them, telling Jon to call when they know if it's a boy or a girl and can they come see the baby after the show if they promise to shower?

And then Jon's standing outside of the hospital. He's kind of scared to go in.

-

There's a lot of screaming. Some of it's Cassie and some of it's Jon. In fact, most of it's probably Jon. Cassie has a fucking good grip. He's pretty sure he almost loses an arm at one point, but in the end, it's worth it because there's a little Baby Boy Walker and he's crying and adorable, and Jon doesn't think he could be any happier than he is right now.

They wheel Cassie into recovery and take the baby to the nursery. Jon has sent Tom off somewhere to call everyone they've ever known with the news while he follows Cassie to her new room. It's really not necessary -- she's tired and falls asleep almost right away -- but he's not going to go anywhere.

She wakes up a few times and tries to get Jon to leave, but he insists on staying. Though, one time he does go to the nursery to see the baby.

Sometime a while later, possibly hours, Jon can't actually tell, Brendon comes into the room, grinning, with Spencer and Ryan behind them. Spencer looks excited and Ryan looks as happy as Ryan can look.

"So, where's the baby?" Brendon says. "We want to see him. Tom said it was a boy."

"Do you know what you're going to name it?" Ryan says. "Don't name it Brendon, whatever you do. He's sworn to us he'll get you to name the baby after him. Just don't do it."

"How's Cassie?" Spencer asks, looking over at the bed.

"She's okay. She's tired, and she keeps coming in and out of it. She's trying to make me leave though, so I think she's good." Jon laughs. "How was the show?"

"The show was good. You know," Brendon says. "It was a show. But you're a _dad_ now. That's the important thing."

"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah." He still can't believe it. He's had months to get used to it, and he's still not sure how it's possible. He's a dad. He has a baby, and he has to raise that baby and be a dad for the rest of his life.

"Are you going to freak out?" Ryan asks. He's still got his stage make up on, and he looks kind of ridiculous. Brendon swore they would shower before they came.

"I'm okay," Jon says. "Yeah, I'm okay."

Cassie makes a muffled sound in her sleep and then turns over in the bed. Jon turns to look at her and sees her blink a couple of times. "Hey," He says and walks closer to the bed.

"Hey," Cassie says with a smile, and then, "Whoa." She blinks, staring. "Who let Panic! at the Disco in? Doesn't this hospital have visitation rules?" Her voice is ragged but teasing, and she obviously doesn't mind seeing them.

"We wanted to see the baby, and the nurse's daughter is a fan," Brendon says. "We told her we would give her autographs and backstage passes the next time we're in town if she'd let us come see our friends. It's awesome being a rockstar."

Cassie rolls her eyes. She's only actually met the guys a couple of times, but she knows how much Jon liked them, and she's answered Jon's phone a few times and talked to Brendon. She gets it, Jon thinks, and she's not going to kick them out.

"Can we see the baby?" Brendon says. He looks like he's trying really hard not to bounce on his heels and maybe clap a little. Jon thinks it's a pretty good effort.

"Come on," Jon says. "I'll take you to the nursery. You'll be okay here by yourself, right Cass?"

She nods and says, "Go, get out of my hair and hang out with your friends. I'm fine. Tell my mom she can come in now." Jon hadn't been told why, but Cassie had thrown her mom out of the delivery room at some point before he got there.

Jon stops by to tell Cassie's mom it's safe now. Brendon is close to Jon, with Ryan and Spencer trailing not far behind them. They get to the nursery, where a bunch of babies are alternately sleeping or crying.

"There, right in the middle," Jon says, pointing through the glass. "That's my son." His _son_. It's probably never going to get old.

"Wow," Spencer says.

"Yeah." Ryan nods. "You actually have a kid."

"I do," Jon says quietly.

Brendon leans in a little closer to Jon, speaking very quietly, so Ryan and Spencer can't hear. Jon isn't sure if it's on purpose or not. "How does it feel?" Brendon asks.

Jon doesn't answer.

-

Jon feels like he hasn't gotten a full night's sleep in the two months since the baby was born. It's making him kind of restless and antsy and angry at everything. He snaps at the teenagers at work for no reason, mostly because he doesn't want to snap at Cassie. He definitely doesn't want to snap at Alex. Losing his shit at a little baby, at his baby, isn't really ideal, especially when said baby didn't do anything more than exist.

Jon is starting to think he's probably not cut out for fatherhood. As it is, Cassie has kicked him out of the apartment for the night, so he can spend some time with Tom. He suspects Cassie really just wants him out of her hair -- not that he can blame her. He thinks maybe he should kick her out of the apartment one night so she can go out with her friends. She's mostly been hanging around the apartment and with her mom since Alex was born, since she hasn't gone back to work yet.

Hanging out with Tom, however, is turning out to be less fun than changing Alex's diapers.

"So, have you looked at rings yet?" Jon suspects the only reason Tom won't shut up about this whole marriage thing is he knows it gets to Jon.

"No," Jon says. He takes another sip from his beer. "I am not proposing. We're not ready."

"Dude," Tom says, laughing into his glass. "Dude, you and Cass have been together since _high school_. You have a baby. I think you are more than ready to take that leap. ...Unless." Tom stops, shrugging. He shakes his head and says, "Never mind."

"Unless what?" Jon says.

"Unless," Tom says, holding out a hand to tick off his reasons, "you either a) don't actually love Cassie anymore but feel obligated to stay with her, or b) there's someone else." The two fingers look accusing, especially when Tom adds, "Either of those would be tragic, because Cassie is a saint to put up with you." When Tom gets drunk, Tom thinks he's the wisest person on the planet. Jon isn't sure if Tom is actually drunk right now. He's only had one glass of whiskey, but that definitely sounds like something Tom would say while drunk.

"There isn't anyone else," Jon says. It's ridiculous to think there would be anyone else. Where would he meet someone else? The other people at work are all still in high school, and besides them, he only talks to Tom, Brendon and Spencer.

"Hmm," Tom says. He's pointedly not looking at Jon.

"Hmm, what?" Jon doesn't like that Tom thinks he knows something Jon doesn't know.

"Nothing, just--" Tom shrugs. "Nothing. Nevermind." Tom is getting on Jon's nerves. It's not hard these days, and Jon thinks, right now, that Tom might be the best person to snap at. Maybe he can let it all out and then go home and not feel like he's going to yell at the people he lives with.

"Whatever," Jon says. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just not ready to marry Cassie."

"Yeah, okay," Tom says. "Have you talked to Brendon lately?" The question doesn't make sense in the context of their conversation, but Jon assumes Tom is just trying to change the subject. He doesn't blame him.

"A few days ago," Jon says.

Tom just nods. He doesn't say anything else, just swallows down the rest of his whiskey and asks for another. The tone of their conversation is different now, and Jon can't figure out why. Jon's actually pretty sure he doesn't want to know why, but whatever the reason, he doesn't really want to be here anymore. Hanging out with Tom was supposed to make him feel better, but now he feels worse.

He throws some money down on the bar and says, "I'm going home. I have to work tomorrow."

Tom doesn't say anything, doesn't tell Jon not to go or anything like that. Jon takes that to mean that he doesn't actually care.

-

Brendon calls Jon at least once a week. He tells Jon what's going on with the band and asks how Cassie and the baby are doing, and they talk for a little while. Jon's not sure when the phone calls became this frequent, but he doesn't mind. Hearing about the guys and talking to Brendon actually helps a lot. He never thought it would. There was a time when Jon might have been content never to hear the words 'panic' or 'disco' again. There was a time when talking to any of the guys made his chest tighten, when just hearing about them made him think of all the ways his life _could_ have gone.

It's not nearly so bad anymore. It's not that he's stopped thinking about it, it's just that he's settled into his life now. He's doing okay, and he doesn't hate his job. He likes seeing his family every day and seeing Tom all the time. Jon loves his son.

Still, talking to Brendon is pretty much the highlight of his week. Always.

"I'm not kidding, Jon." Brendon laughs into the phone. "He's writing love songs. Ryan Ross is writing actual love songs. I don't really know how to deal with it."

"Wow," Jon says. "I kind of want to meet this Keltie." Brendon has told Jon a few things about Keltie, but the only thing that really sticks is that she makes Ryan happy. It's not that Ryan wasn't happy before, but apparently this is a different kind of happiness, and it makes Brendon ecstatic.

"Anyway, how is Alex? Has he done anything amazing this week?"

"Alex is still doing the things that two-month-old babies do," Jon says. "He's sort of amazed by his fingers. All fingers, actually. He plays with my fingers a lot."

"I want to meet him," Brendon says. "I mean, okay, we saw him the night he was born and everything, but that doesn't count. I want to meet your son, Jon Walker. You should bring him out to Vegas."

"I think I'd have to get Cassie to trust me alone with him first." Jon laughs, rolling his eyes. "You know, she kind of--she's mothering, I guess. I keep telling her that I can handle it, but she wants to do everything."

"That makes sense." Jon can practically see Brendon nodding on the other end of the line. "Well, I guess we'll just have to go to you. Or, I mean, I will. Ryan and Spencer are both sort of busy with their own thing, you know. We don't get much time to ourselves anymore, so I don't blame them."

Panic is on a break. Not a serious break, Brendon had told Jon. They just needed some time to rest and collect their thoughts. They'd done a lot of touring and a lot of everything, and it's time to rest. They're still writing, and they still talk a lot. They're just taking a break, honest.

"You can visit me anytime," Jon says, smiling. "I mean, you might have to sleep on a tiny, cramped sofa, and Cassie might make you do the dishes, but you could come out."

"Fuck that. I'm staying at some fancy hotel. Brendon Urie does not sleep on anyone's sofa." Brendon laughs too soon for Jon to even think that he might be serious.

-

"I think I'm going back to work," Cassie says.

Jon is holding Alex, singing some song that his mom used to sing to him when he was little, and Cassie looks over at him and just says it, without any hesitation.

"Hmm," Jon says. "That's good. Good."

"We could use the money," she says. "You know, maybe we can get a bigger place, like we were thinking. We probably need the room."

"Yeah," Jon says. He's only half paying attention. He's feeling a lot of fatherly pride right now, and he can't stop paying attention to Alex.

"Do you even know what I just said?" Cassie sounds small. She's quiet and there's a soft sigh at the end of the sentence. Jon feels guilty.

"You're thinking about going back to work," he says. "I heard you, Cass."

"Yeah," She says, nodding. "I'm sorry. You were singing to Alex. I'm just being--" She sighs. "Never mind."

Jon doesn't understand what he did. He doesn't know if it's something he did just now, if it's something he did a month ago or something he's been doing for a while. He doesn't let himself think too hard about it, just concentrates on singing to Alex and watching the way his son smiles at him when he hits a really awful note.

-

"So, the break is turning into a hiatus," Brendon says. In fact, it's the first thing he says after Jon mutters his hello into the phone. It's four in the morning, two o'clock Brendon's time. He sounds upset.

"Who is it?" Cassie mutters, doesn't roll over to look at Jon. "Do they know what time it is?"

"It's just Brendon, go back to sleep." Jon gets out of bed. He thinks he hears Cassie sigh into her pillow.

"What is it?" Jon asks, walking into the other room. He doesn't want to wake up the baby.

"I don't know. I guess there's just--" Brendon pauses. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking about how late--early, whatever--it was there. I woke you up."

"It's okay," Jon says. "I have to be up in, like, four hours anyway. Tell me what's going on, Brendon."

"I don't know. Everything's all fucked up. I guess we're just kind of." Brendon pauses. "I don't know. I just know the word 'hiatus' was mentioned, and that never leads to anything good."

"You guys were already on a break. This is just going to be a longer break, is all." Jon doesn't actually know what he's talking about. He only knows what Brendon's told him about their creative blocks and desire for time off.

"Yeah," Brendon says. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I just got home and sort of freaked out. There was a band meeting, with Matt on speaker, and the word _hiatus_ , and I just. I freaked out. I'm sorry. Go back to sleep."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jon doesn't want to hang up if Brendon's about to have some kind of crisis and is going to need someone to talk him down from a ledge.

"Yeah," Brendon says. "Yeah, I'm good now. I'm fine. Go back to sleep, seriously."

Jon thinks he should probably talk to Brendon for a while. He doesn't sound exactly fine, but if Brendon doesn't want to talk about it, he's not going to talk about it.

-

Cassie goes back to work. They have to do a lot of juggling, and Jon has to make sure he can get a pretty set schedule, but Cassie goes back. They can't afford a babysitter, and as much as they would like to just let their moms watch Alex--because God knows their moms want to see Alex whenever possible--Cassie and Jon both decide they would feel bad about expecting their families to take care of him all the time.

So Jon works during the day and Cassie works at night, and they don't actually see each other much anymore. Sometimes they get maybe half an hour between shifts, or they have the same day off, but usually if they're both home, one of them is too tired to put any effort into doing anything together.

It doesn't bother Jon as much as he's sure it should. He's supposed to want to spend time with the woman he loves. He's supposed to miss the mother of his child when he doesn't see her for days at a time.

He isn't sure what it means that he doesn't.

-

"What are you doing right now?" Brendon's voice is on the other end of the phone, but he isn't calling from his cell. It's a Chicago prefix and a number that Jon doesn't recognize.

"I'm working," Jon says. That's not exactly accurate. He's sitting in the corner, drinking a coffee because he doesn't really want to go home yet. He doesn't really have any reason to not want to go home. Cassie isn't angry with him, and he's not angry with her. Everything is fine, but he feels like having a coffee.

"Well, leave early because I'm standing in the middle of O'Hare, and it'd be really nice if someone would come and pick me up."

Brendon is in Chicago. Jon doesn't actually know what to say to that.

"Hello, are you there? Fucking payphones."

"What? No," Jon says. "No, I'm here. What are you doing here?"

"I was bored," Brendon says. Jon thinks there might be a lot more to it than that, but Brendon obviously isn't going to elaborate. "I thought, what can I do? Oh, I'll go see Jon."

"Yeah, okay." Jon is already halfway out the door.

-

In hindsight, maybe Jon should have called Cassie and told her that he was bringing Brendon home with him. He hadn't thought about it, and she seems kind of surprised, and not exactly thrilled. Her smile is tight and she excuses herself almost right away.

"I have to go to work," She says. "I hope I'm not late."

It's probably the start of a fight that's not going to happen. Jon and Cassie have these fights that really aren't because neither of them wants to yell. They just sort of let things bubble at the surface. They don't see each other much, and it's easy to just let things work themselves out. Or maybe they're just letting things get worse.

"Oh, I'm late," Jon says. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Cassie says. "I've got half an hour." She grabs the keys off the table and says, "Alex's bottle is ready. Feed him at six. He's taking his nap. He should wake up soon. It was nice to see you again, Brendon." And then she's gone.

"Wow," Brendon says. "Okay." Jon feels like he should make some kind of apology, or offer some kind of an explanation.

Instead, he says, "So, you wanted to see Alex?"

For a split second Jon thinks maybe Brendon is going to ask about what just happened or apologize for showing up unannounced. Instead he puts on a smile and says, "Yes. Let me see the little baby Walker."

"Come on," Jon says, waving a hand for Brendon to follow him to the bedroom. Alex sleeps in a crib next to Jon and Cassie's bed. Jon doesn't want to wake him up because that might be a disaster area, so he just stands over the crib.

"Oh, my God. I think he is the cutest baby I have ever seen." Brendon grins. "I actually still can't believe that you're a dad," Brendon says.

"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah, sometimes I can't either."

"So, what was that?" Brendon concentrates on looking at Alex, and not Jon. "With, you know, with Cassie. Are you guys okay?"

"We're fine," Jon says. He doesn't want to talk about Cassie. "We're. Yeah, fine. I just should have called her to let her know you were coming, that's all." Jon is grateful when Alex's eyes open and he smiles up at them. "Hey little baby," Jon says, smiling. "Come here." He picks Alex up and starts carrying him into the other room.

"Can I hold him?" Brendon bounces slightly on the balls of his feet.

"You have to promise not to drop him," Jon says. "I don't think Cassie would ever forgive you if you gave our son permanent brain damage."

"Shut up. I won't drop him," Brendon says. "I came here to see the baby, and damn it, I am going to see the baby. That way I can go back and rub it in Spencer and Ryan's faces."

Jon and Brendon sit down on the sofa, and Jon hands the baby over to Brendon. Brendon, as it turns out, is kind of a natural with babies. Alex loves him. Jon watches Brendon mumble things to Alex in baby talk for a while before he says, "So, why are you really here? And don't say it's because you're bored. No one flies half way across the country because they're bored."

"No reason," Brendon says. "I just wanted to see you. Is that so wrong?" Brendon smiles at Jon, but it's all kinds of fake. Jon doesn't call him on it.

-

"Do you even have a camera anymore?" Brendon says. "I mean, you used to have one attached to your person at all times."

They put Alex to bed, and now it's grownup time. Jon wonders if he can use the time to get Brendon to talk about why he's in Chicago. Instead, Brendon is using it to talk about all of the things Jon has been trying not to think about.

"I still have one," Jon says, shrugging. "I think it's in the back of the closet. I don't really have a lot of time for pictures. I mean, Cassie has one that we take pictures of the baby with so we can brag to everyone, but," Jon shrugs again. "I don't know."

"Let's go," Brendon says, standing. "Stand up. We're going to go dig out your camera, and you're going to take a million pictures of stupid things around this apartment, and it's going to be amazing. Especially the pictures of me," Brendon says. "Because, see, if you aren't off being a motherfucking rockstar with us, you are going to have to settle for being the best photographer-slash-barista that you can be."

Jon doesn't know what to say. He hasn't really thought about taking pictures in a long time. At least, not any kind that would actually be considered photography. He supposes there was just too much going on. His head's been too full of rent payments and doctors appointments and Alex and Cassie, and photography just seemed too unimportant.

"Nope," Brendon says, shaking his head. "No, you don't get to do that." Brendon disappears into the bedroom, and Jon hears some loud thumps. A few minutes later Brendon says, "Aha," and he comes out holding a camera case. "Now get to work. You are now my own personal photographer, and I will require of you one picture a week, emailed to me every Friday morning."

"Brendon--"

"No, no excuses. You cannot get out of this. I'll even tell Ryan and Spencer," Brendon says.

Jon doesn't think he could argue with Brendon if he wanted to, so he doesn't try.

-

Brendon only stays for a few days because Jon only has so many personal days he can take and Cassie's going kind of crazy having both of them in the house with a baby. Jon wishes Brendon could stay longer. Having him around has been, well... something.

Jon considers throwing his camera back in the closet and letting it gather dust as soon as Brendon walks out the door. Instead, he takes it to work with him that day, just in case he sees anything interesting.

-

"I hear that Brendon came to visit," Tom says, sitting down next to Jon at the bar. "Interesting."

Jon and Tom try and see each other every couple of weeks, when Cassie has the night off and can stay home with the baby and Tom's not rehearsing with whatever new band he's playing with at the moment.

"How did you know that?" Jon says.

"I have my sources." Tom orders a beer from the bartender and pointedly does not look at Jon. Jon suspects Tom's 'sources' are Cassie. "How was that?"

"It was okay," Jon says. "I'm taking pictures again."

"Really?" Tom never stopped taking pictures. "What made you do that?" Tom doesn't seem very interested in the answer, like maybe he already knows what it is.

"Brendon," Jon says.

"Yeah." Tom nods. "I thought that might be it." Jon doesn't ask him why. He thinks he probably doesn't want to know the answer. "What did Cassie think about him dropping by?"

"I don't know. She doesn't really talk to me much anymore." Jon wishes he could blame her, but he doesn't talk to her much anymore either.

"How's Alex?" Tom says, and Jon knows he's just changing the subject. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about Cassie. Maybe he knows Jon won't say anything.

"He's moved on from being fascinated by his hands to always wanting to play with his feet," Jon says, smiling. If talking about Cassie is the hardest thing in the world, talking about Alex is the easiest.

"That kid," Tom says, laughing. He shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. "You know, if it's him." He pauses and then says, "Nevermind. It's none of my business."

"What? Who?" Jon wishes he were just playing dumb. He feels like he should know the answer to this question already.

Tom sits, refusing to look at Jon. When he speaks, it's quietly, like maybe saying this is breaking some promise that he's made to himself. "If it's him, if you're only there because of the baby, maybe it's time to take a step back. Do you even love Cassie anymore?"

Jon thinks he does. Then again, he hasn't really taken much time lately to think about it.

-

"Jon," Cassie says. And then, "We need to talk," and Jon knows where this is going. He can't lie and say he hasn't known for a while. That would just be ridiculous, and it wouldn't be doing either of them any favors.

"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah, okay." It's not worth arguing.

"Jon, I still--" She cuts herself off.

"I know," Jon says. "Me too."

"This is--" Jon doesn't know if Cassie is incapable of finishing her sentences, or if she doesn't want to. "This isn't because of you." It's enough of a lie that Jon feels grateful. She should be blaming him right now. He's fucked up in more ways than one. It is completely, totally, utterly his fault.

"Yeah," Jon says. "Yeah."

"We'll figure something out with Alex." Because that's the most important thing here. Alex is what has been keeping them from breaking completely. Maybe Alex is what started this whole thing to begin with. Jon's not really sure.

He's tried to stop thinking in _what if_ s.

"Yeah," Jon says. "Okay." He feels like he should maybe argue, fight to keep them with him. It's not worth it though. The ending will be the same.

Cassie packs up her bags and goes to her parent's house that night. She leaves Alex and says they'll be by tomorrow to pick him up. Jon nods and doesn't fight with her on it. There's really no reason.

-

"Cassie left," Jon says. He doesn't usually call Brendon. He usually waits for Brendon to call him first.

The apartment is quiet without Cassie and Alex, though, and he's off today. He would bug Tom to go out and do something, but Tom's out of the city, working on some photography. He's managed to make a job out of it, now that he's not touring. Jon is feeling sorry for himself, and calling Brendon -- it seems like the best thing to do at the moment.

"What?" Brendon sounds shocked. Jon thinks that he's the only one.

"Yeah," Jon says. "I don't know. It's not actually--I mean, we haven't been...you know. It's not that surprising." Jon wonders if Brendon can imagine how defeated he looks, or if he can hear it in Jon's voice. He hopes not. "I don't know. It's been a long time coming."

"Oh," Brendon says. "I'm sorry."

Jon doesn't know what Brendon has to be sorry about, and he almost says that, but he just shrugs. Brendon can't see him, but it doesn't matter. "Yeah." Jon's vocabulary, he realizes, is a lot smaller than it used to be. "So, how is everyone else doing?"

"Oh," Brendon says and then, "Yeah. Matt's coming out to Vegas next week. We're going to try and get started. The three of us have worked on some songs, but I don't know. Nothing seems--" Brendon pauses. "I don't know. Nothing is working."

"It'll work," Jon says, not just to make Brendon feel better but because he believes they'll make it. He knows they will.

"Yeah, maybe." Brendon doesn't sound nearly as convinced as Jon. "I have to go," he says. "We're picking Matt up at the airport and then going into the studio."

Jon almost begs him not to hang up, but he only says, "Yeah. Bye, Brendon." And hangs up the phone.

-

Cassie brings Alex by on a Friday to spend the weekend with Jon. Jon sort of misses having his son around all the time, but if he only gets weekends for now, he'll take it. He feels like an ass for letting it get as far as it did in the first place, so he isn't going to make a big deal about anything with Cassie.

"Hey, Alex." Jon smiles, taking him from Cassie.

"I'll come and get him Monday morning. Are you sure this is okay?" Cassie sets Alex's baby bag down. "I mean--"

"Cass," Jon says, laughing. "It's fine. I've been alone with him before. I know what I'm doing."

"I know." She shakes her head. "No, I'm being silly. Call me if you need anything. Bye, Alex," she says, kissing the top of his head. "Mommy will be back Monday. Be good for daddy."

Jon and Cassie have had a surprisingly friendly breakup. Their breakup may actually be much healthier than their relationship was in the end. Jon is mostly grateful because he doesn't think he could handle some long, drawn out battle over Alex. He doesn't want Alex to have to go through that either.

"Bye, Jon." Cassie waves, smiling at him like she hasn't in a long time, and yeah, things are definitely better this way. Jon is sure of it.

-

"You didn't send me a picture last Friday," is the first thing Brendon says when Jon answers the phone Sunday night.

"No," Jon says, laughing. "I guess I didn't. Cass brought Alex over and I got distracted. I'll send you two next week to make up for it."

"Oh!" Brendon says. "They'd better both be pictures of the baby. Promise me, Jon," Brendon says, forcefully.

"I'll do my best." Jon's already got a stack of film to develop. He's been taking a lot more pictures since Brendon dug out his camera. He hadn't actually thought of how much he's missed photography. He's spent too much of his time missing touring and wishing he were playing and dealing with his life to worry about it.

"You'd better," Brendon says, and then, "Well, that's really all I wanted. To bitch at you for not doing as promised." There's something else on his mind, and Jon can tell. He doesn't push it though. "Go back to Alex."

"Yeah, okay." Jon says. "You know if there's anything else you want to talk about--"

"I know. I'm good." Jon can hear the fake smile in Brendon's voice. "You know I'd totally whine to you if I weren't."

"I know," Jon says. He's not entirely sure that's true.

-

Tom comes to Jon's apartment--the apartment that used to be Jon-and-Cassie's apartment. Jon hasn't bothered to move out of yet. It's not like he needs to find a smaller place. He's not sure he could _find_ a smaller place. It's honestly a wonder that three people ever lived there at the same time, even if one of them was a baby.

"I come with alcohol," Tom says, holding up a six pack. "You look like shit."

"Yeah, I wonder why," Jon says. It's actually not because of Cassie, mostly. Jon still misses her sometimes, and he's always going to love her in some ways. He also knows that things are better this way, for a lot of reasons. He's mostly been upset about not seeing Alex every day.

Also, Brendon hasn't called him in almost three weeks. Jon's not sure why that bothers him so much, but it probably has to do with missing Brendon's gossip. He'd gotten used to hearing about the goings-on in Vegas, and now he's out of the loop. Whatever. It's not that big of a deal. Jon could probably pick up the phone and call Brendon, but if they're busy working on songs, he doesn't want to bother them.

"Well, you need this, then." Tom hands the beer to Jon. "How long has it been since you got completely trashed?"

Jon can't actually remember the last time he was completely trashed.

"Before I found out Cassie was pregnant," he finally says. He figures that's an accurate enough guess. Maybe it was sometime when Panic was on tour with The Academy.

They break open the beers and sit in silence for a while before Tom says, "So, we need to talk about this."

"Talk about what?" Jon's had half a beer, so he doesn't think he's anywhere near drunk enough for whatever Tom wants to talk about.

"You. And Cassie. What the fuck happened?" Tom is looking at the beer in his hands, instead of at Jon.

"I don't know. Things just stopped working," Jon says. "We got in over our heads, I guess. We tried."

"She tried," Tom says. And yeah, Jon's not nearly drunk enough for this conversation. "You just sort of went with it. Don't say that's not true. I was there."

"I don't know," Jon says, because he doesn't. He can't bring himself to admit that it's the truth, even if he knows it is.

"Does this have anything to do with Brendon?" Tom asks. Jon doesn't know what to do with that question. It doesn't make sense to him. Why would it have anything to do with Brendon? Instead of answering Tom, he chugs the rest of his beer and opens another. He needs more alcohol.

"Hmm," Tom says. "Yeah. I thought so."

"It doesn't have anything to do with Brendon," Jon says into his bottle. "Why the fuck would it have anything to do with Brendon?"

"I don't know. You tell me." Tom gives Jon a look that he can't quite read. He hates that. He used to be able to read Tom's looks.

"I don't know. Brendon's like-" Jon pauses, shrugging. "Whatever, Brendon's a friend. We talk a lot. It's not like--No. Whatever you're thinking, just--It's not."

"Yeah," Tom says. "Yeah, okay."

Tom doesn't seem to believe him. Jon opens another beer and doesn't bother trying to figure out why.

-

Jon can't get Alex to stop crying. In fact, every time he tries out an idea, he thinks he's just making Alex cry harder. He doesn't know what to do. Cassie is at work and his mom isn't answering her phone, and fuck if Tom would know how to make a baby stop crying. He would probably suggest alcohol.

Jon's phone rings, and he curses whoever it is under his breath as he goes to answer. Alex just cries louder. He tries to find it so he can turn it off, hang it up, anything to make the ringing stop. It's Brendon, so he answers.

"Brendon, hi. I'm kind of--"

"Oh, is Alex there? I'm sorry. I'll just call back later," Brendon says.

"No, it's fine. He's just." Jon sighs. "I think he misses Cass. I can't get him to stop crying."

"Have you tried singing to him? When I was kid my dad used to sing to me, and it always calmed me down." Jon has tried that. Jon's tried that more than once, although he appreciates that Brendon is trying to help.

"Yeah, um, it didn't really work." Jon's pretty much accepted the fact that nothing is going to work. Alex is never going to stop crying, at least not until Cassie comes to pick him up, and this is Jon's punishment for fucking things up with her.

"Can I try?" Brendon sounds excited. "Seriously, put it on speaker. I want to try. I've got a better voice than you do. I'll bet my voice totally soothes babies."

"Um," Jon says. He's pretty sure that it's a long shot. But a long shot is better than no shot at all. "You realize this is kind of insane, right? You're not even here."

"So? You want him to stop crying, don't you?" If Brendon were there, Jon knows he would be tilting his head, hands on his hips. "Speakerphone, Jon."

Jon sighs. "Okay, but I still think this is insane." He goes over to Alex's crib and takes the phone away from his ear, putting it on speaker. "If this works, I swear," Jon says under his breath. He feels ridiculous right now, but he's desperate, and Brendon's offering.

"Hey, little baby Walker," Brendon says. "Okay, here goes." He sings something quiet that Jon doesn't recognize. Maybe something they're working on for the new album, maybe some song Brendon's dad used to sing to him. Jon doesn't know, but it actually seems to be working. Alex is still crying, but it's softer now and much, much quieter, and he's reaching out for the phone. Jon thinks it's ridiculous and kind of adorable. He's also kind of annoyed that Brendon can make his son stop crying from halfway across the country, and he can't do it from a few feet away.

"Did it work?" Brendon asks when he's finished singing. "It totally worked. I am so awesome."

"Yeah," Jon says. He takes the phone off speaker and puts it back to his ear. "You're also ridiculous. I can't believe that worked."

"I can. Didn't I tell you it would work? You owe me. I don't know what you owe, but you owe me something, and I'm going to make you pay up the next time I see you." Jon imagines that Brendon looks completely self-satisfied on the other end of the line. It's the most annoying thing to come out of this whole conversation.

"If you say so," Jon says. "It's been a while since you called."

"Yeah. We've been busy. We're recording some things. I don't know. I don't think we're going to end up using any of it. We can never--" Brendon pauses, and Jon would say something to make him feel better, but he doesn't know what. "I guess we're just butting heads a lot, that's all. I mean, not all of us. But." It's an unfinished thought that Jon gets the feeling Brendon doesn't want to finish.

"You'll be fine," Jon says. "Just give it time." It's shitty advice, but Jon doesn't know what else to say.

"Yeah," Brendon says. "Yeah, I should do that."

Alex is still quiet. Jon owes Brendon something really awesome the next time they see each other.

"How are you holding up?" Brendon says. "You seem kind of--" Jon doesn't know what the rest of that sentence is because Brendon stops himself. He can't imagine what the rest of it could be. He doesn't think he's acting any differently than normal. At least not any differently than he would normally act with Brendon over the phone.

"I'm fine." Jon is fine. He's perfectly fine. "I'm just thinking."

"About?"

"I don't know. Things." Jon doesn't know what makes him say what he says next, but he says it, and he can't exactly take it back. "Tom thinks you have something to do with Cassie and me. You know..."

"What?" Brendon sounds shocked. "Why does he think that?" Jon thinks he catches a hint of caution in Brendon's voice. Maybe he's afraid of the answer. Jon's kind of afraid of the answer himself.

"I don't know. He didn't say," Jon says. It's only partly a lie. Tom said enough that Jon could figure out what he meant--at least, he figured it out after a few more beers and a few lattes the next morning.

"Oh." Brendon sounds almost disappointed. Jon doesn't want to think about what that means either. "I have to go. We're back in the studio today," Brendon says. "I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah, bye Brendon."

-

"Your dad," Jon says the next day, "your dad, Alex, is an asshole." Jon is holding Alex in his arms, feeding him. He's still thinking about that phone call with Brendon. It's kind of silly, and Jon knows he's being lame, but he keeps running over a million possible conversations in his mind--with Tom and Cassie and Brendon. He can't figure out what his problem is, other than the simplest answer.

He's an asshole.

"I'll explain why when you're much much older," he says. "Your mommy wouldn't appreciate me going into all the details now. Not that you have any clue what I'm saying right now." Jon shakes his head, laughing at himself. "Jesus Christ, I'm talking to a six-month-old baby."

Jon is pretty sure this is what most people consider losing your mind. If he didn't think Tom would start rambling about Brendon again, he might call and ask him to stop by. If talking to Brendon wasn't what was causing him to go insane in the first place, Jon might call him, no matter that Brendon is back in the studio working now.

He could maybe call Spencer and ask if Brendon's been acting like a crazy person, too, but that also leads back to Brendon.

So, six-month-old it is.

"So, Alex. Tell me about your day."

Jon sighs. He really is losing his mind.

-

Cassie is gathering up Alex's things from around the apartment. Somehow they've been scattered everywhere, even though Jon really only had him on the sofa and in the crib (and once, very briefly, in the kitchen). Jon's messy. He can't help it.

It's not that they're not speaking to each other. It's just that neither of them really knows what to say anymore. At least, Jon never knows what to say to Cassie, and he assumes it's mutual. They've got so much history that includes having a child together, and everything sort of fell apart when he wasn't paying attention.

What can a person possibly say to that?

"What happened between us?" Is what Jon settles on. He doesn't actually mean to say it. It just comes out before he can stop himself.

"What?" Cassie hasn't been paying attention. She's busy looking for Alex's hat. (Jon hid it in the closet. It's ugly. His son does not need to wear ugly hats.)

"Us, you know. I didn't mean for..." He says, quietly. "What happened?"

"Jon," Cassie sighs and gives up looking for the hat in favor of sitting down on the sofa. "I don't know. I guess I just woke up one day and realized that it wasn't getting any better."

"Is it because of Brendon?" Jon doesn't mean to say that either. He really, _really_ doesn't mean to say that. "Tom thinks it was because of Brendon." He feels the need to justify bringing Brendon into it at all.

Cassie isn't looking at him. "I don't know. Should it have been because of Brendon?"

"I--" Jon doesn't know. He has no clue what the answer to that question is. A month ago, he would have said no, without hesitation, but after Tom, and now Cassie, he's been having a lot of thoughts. "I don't know."

"Then yeah," She says. "The fact that you don't know, that tells me he probably was."

"Yeah," Jon says. He thinks he probably knew that all along, but he kind of wishes he didn't.

-

"So, yeah." Brendon is standing at Jon's door holding nothing but a small duffel bag. "I don't know. Matt had to go home for a few days, so we're taking a week off. I came here," he says.

Jon's surprised to see Brendon. He's mentioned coming back to Chicago a few times in the last few weeks. Jon just didn't think it was going to be now.

"Come in," Jon says, stepping aside so Brendon can walk in and put down his bags. He stands at the door for a moment, still unable to believe Brendon is here _now_ , before turning to him. "You can sleep on the sofa, unless you'd rather find a hotel."

"No." Brendon shakes his head, falling down on the sofa and stretching out. "No, this will be fine."

Jon doesn't ask why he isn't back in Vegas with Ryan and Spencer.

-

"Jon." Jon hears his name, vaguely. He's not really awake, but he definitely gets the feeling that someone is tapping him on the shoulder. "Jon, wake up." It sounds like Brendon.

"Hmmph?" Jon thinks that response resembles words, somehow.

"Jon, are you awake?" Brendon obviously already knows the answer to that, but Jon thinks about ignoring him, just to be difficult. "Jon."

Jon sighs, opening his eyes, and says, "I'm awake. What time is it?"

"I don't know. Like three? I can't sleep. The sofa is not as comfortable as I remember." Brendon laughs under his breath. "I was just wondering if I could--"

Jon doesn't know how, in his half-sleeping state, he knows what Brendon wants, but he does. He slides over to let Brendon join him in the bed. There's more than enough room for two people to sleep comfortably, even if Brendon wasn't huddling close to Jon.

"What's wrong?" Jon asks. He doesn't expect an answer, but he wants to ask all the same.

"Tomorrow," Brendon says. "I'm tired now."

Jon just nods slightly and goes back to sleep.

-

Jon comes home from work the next afternoon to find that Brendon has busied himself cleaning...everything. Jon's had dishes in the sink for a week, and they're gone now. Brendon's apparently cleaned the bathroom and the closet, too.

"Um." Jon wants to ask what Brendon is doing cleaning his apartment, but he's too shocked by the sight to get the words out. "What--"

"Oh. Sorry. Did you know your apartment was a fucking mess?" Brendon picks up a shirt and smells it, making a face. "Seriously, it's gross." Brendon is just as messy and dirty as Jon, as a general rule.

"Um," Jon says. He still isn't sure what's going on.

"I clean when I have too much on my mind. Sorry," Brendon says, shrugging. "It's a thing. You should have seen my apartment back when my parents first--It was pretty spotless most of the time."

"Do you want to tell me what has you cleaning my apartment?" The look on Brendon's face tells Jon that the answer is no. He's not surprised at all when Brendon goes into the bedroom instead of answering his question. "Yeah, I didn't think so."

"Seriously, Jon. Do you ever clean your apartment?" Brendon calls from the other room.

Jon doesn't think he's that much of a slob, but hey, if Brendon wants to finish cleaning up instead of talking, who is Jon to argue?

-

Brendon has been at Jon's apartment for three days. He still hasn't said what's bothering him, and he ran out of things to clean sometime yesterday afternoon. He's managed to drink some of Jon's beer, but it hasn't made him any more willing to talk. Jon considers waking him up and trying to get it out of him when he's half asleep, but he doesn't get the chance because Cassie is there with Alex.

Jon buzzes her up and lets her in.

"I don't have long," she says, handing Alex over to Jon and dropping all of the baby stuff on the sofa. "Is someone here?" There are blankets and a pillow on the sofa, and Brendon's bag is sitting just outside the bedroom door.

"Brendon's--"

"Oh," Cassie says. "Where is he?"

"He's in bed," Jon says. He doesn't mean to, and he regrets the words pretty much as soon as they're out of his mouth. "I mean--"

"No," Cassie says. "No, you don't have to explain, Jon."

"No, I mean, he's just sleeping. We're not--I mean, we're sleeping. That's all." Jon tries not to sound guilty. He has nothing to feel guilty about. At least, that's what he keeps telling himself.

"Seriously, Jon. You don't have to explain. Really, I don't care what you do," Cassie says, shaking her head. "I have to go. Call me if you need anything, and don't, you know. Just watch him."

Jon isn't actually sure what Cassie means by that, but he promises to do so, and sees her out. He'll work on explaining Brendon later.

-

"I love this little baby," Brendon says. He's feeding Alex. "He looks like you. You know, if you were tiny and bald. And cried a lot."

"I do cry a lot," Jon says. "I'm just really good about hiding my pain in front of you." He grins. "It's a good skill to have."

"Yes, you seem to be one of the most tormented people I have ever met. You give Ryan a run for his money," Brendon says and then turn to Alex. "Your dad is kind of lame." Brendon nods and makes a face at Alex. "You're going to be calling him a jerk and a tool the second you learn how to talk. I'll bet your first words are going to be 'my dad is a tool.'"

"You're wrong. My son's first words are going to be 'why is Uncle Brendon such a douche?'" Jon is probably lucky Brendon is holding Alex, or he would be getting attacked right now, in some form or another.

"I am not a douche. I'm awesome. Alex knows. He's going to cry when I leave," Brendon says. "Aren't you, Alex?"

"The sad thing is, that's probably true." Jon laughs, quietly. "I think he might respond better to you than he does to me. I honestly don't understand it."

"You just don't have the Urie touch, is the thing. It's okay. We weren't all born lucky," Brendon says, seriously.

"I guess so." Jon wants to change the subject, to find out what Brendon's doing here and why he won't talk about it, but he can't bring himself to do it. Not right now. He's going to have to at some point, though. He knows he is.

-

It's a Sunday.

Alex is asleep in his crib, next to Jon's bed. Jon can't sleep. Brendon has been talking on the phone for about an hour. Jon assumes to Ryan or Spencer because he can hear Brendon in the other room saying things like "break" and "soon" and "what if we can't?" Then he says, "Yeah, Wednesday, bye," and it's a few minutes before he comes into Jon's room and crawls into the bed next to him.

"That was Ryan," Brendon says. "I'm going to sleep in here tonight." Jon doesn't say anything either way. It goes without saying that Brendon can sleep in his bed. He's never really bothered asking since the first night.

"I told him I was coming back Wednesday." Brendon laughs, quietly. It doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I'll be out of your hair in a few days. I'm sure you're thrilled." Jon isn't. He likes having Brendon around.

"I'm sorry," Brendon says. It comes out of nowhere, and Jon doesn't understand why Brendon is apologizing. He hasn't done anything wrong.

"For what?" He wonders if Brendon is going to talk to him now.

"For barging in on you," Brendon says. "I'm sort of making a habit of it. Also, for screwing up your time with Alex. I know you don't see him every day, or even once a week."

"It's okay," Jon says. "Alex loves you."

"I also cleaned your apartment against your will, invaded your personal sleeping space and refused to talk to you about anything that actually matters." Jon wonders if talking to Ryan has made Brendon feel like sharing. He's content to just let Brendon talk, without actually asking for anything. He doesn't want to make it look like he's been dying to hear what's happening in Vegas, even if he actually has been.

"My apartment appreciates it, I think. It hasn't been this clean since Cass and I moved in," Jon says. "And you haven't been bothering me with the personal space thing. I would have kicked you out of my room if it was a big deal." He doesn't say anything about Brendon not talking to him.

"I don't think we're going to make it." It takes Jon a minute to realize that Brendon means the band and not Brendon-and-Jon. Not that there's a Brendon-and-Jon to make it or not make it. "We keep having to take these breaks. Matt's--" Brendon sighs. "I don't know, he's good, but he's got different ideas than us, and we keep--I don't know. I don't think this album is ever going to get made."

Jon doesn't know what to say to that. Brendon is justifiably worried about his band, about his livelihood, but bands have rough patches all the time, and no one is more deserving of success than Brendon, Spencer and Ryan.

"I'm sorry. You didn't ask to be brought into all of my stupid, ridiculous issues. I didn't mean to dump it on you." Brendon sighs. "That's not why I came here, Jon. I promise."

"Why did you come here?" Jon doesn't know why he's asking. Brendon came to Chicago because it's a safe place. He knows Jon isn't going to ask a lot of questions, and he knows Jon's been in bands before and knows how it is.

"I don't know. I wanted to see you," Brendon says. "I guess I just like coming here when everything gets to be too much there, you know?" Jon isn't sure, but he thinks Brendon moves just a little closer. It's so slight that Jon wonders if Brendon even notices. "You...I don't know. It's better here. I don't worry so much."

"Yeah," Jon says. "Well, you can come here whenever. You're always welcome." Jon means it, completely. He kind of wants Brendon here as much as possible.

"Thanks," Brendon says. It seems to be the end of the conversation. Jon thinks Brendon might have fallen asleep until he says, "Jon, can I tell you something?"

"Yeah," Jon says. "You can say anything you want."

"I think it would have been different," Brendon says. "If we had you. If you'd joined the band. It would be so much easier. I know it would be." Jon knows that Brendon isn't trying to make him feel bad, and he mostly _doesn't_ feel bad. He made his choices and did what he thought he had to do, and his life isn't bad.

"You don't know that," Jon says. "There's no way to know that."

"You fit." Brendon sounds completely sure of himself. "You fit with us in this weird way that Matt doesn't. That's why we asked you first. It felt right with you on stage with us. I just think it would be better."

"Do you know what I think?" Jon says, and then everything comes rushing out. "I think that you guys are going to be fine. I think it's hard right now, but you all want it, and Matt's a good guy. You'll work it out, and then you'll make an album, and it will be amazing." Jon isn't sure if he believes it, isn't sure that it's really that easy. He thinks it's making Brendon feel better though, and that's enough for him. "You'll call me every day and tell me how amazing it is, and I'll come see you when you're in Chicago. It's going to be awesome."

"Do you think so?" Jon can feel Brendon smiling more than he can see it in the dark, Brendon's so close to him. "Be honest with me."

"I really think so." Jon says. "And if I'm wrong, you can move to Chicago and live on my sofa, rent free."

"Wait, I have to move to the sofa? But I'm so comfortable here," Brendon says. "I can't just keep sleeping in your bed?"

"Only famous rockstars get to share my bed. Sorry," Jon says with a sigh. "You're just going to have to deal with that."

"Well, I guess I have to stay a rockstar one way or another because your bed is really comfortable." Brendon pauses. "You could be wrong."

"I'm not wrong, Brendon. I'm never wrong." Jon is wrong a lot of the time, but Brendon doesn't have to know that.

Brendon laughs and then says, "You're lying, but thanks anyway. This is why I come here. I want to be witness to your infinite toolness." Brendon goes quiet, and Jon can feel his face falling. "Seriously though, Jon. Thank you."

"For what?" Jon doesn't think he did anything spectacular.

"You know what. Don't be an ass," Brendon says. "I think I can actually sleep now, but I'm still not going anywhere."

"I wouldn't ask you to," Jon says. "Even when you're not a rockstar, I probably won't kick you out of bed. I did lie about that."

Brendon laughs. Jon hopes he's right about Panic. He knows that he could very well be wrong, but he wants to be right. Maybe Brendon is right and everything would be different if he had joined the band, if Alex didn't exist. Maybe if Cassie hadn't gotten pregnant, he would have joined the band. They might all be together, touring and playing music. Maybe Jon would even still be with Cassie.

But this is the way it happened, and Jon doesn't think he would change it for anything.


End file.
